Firstly, can I just say I hate being all "woe is me" to the great gaping maw of the internet? I'm bad enough at this sort of thing with people I'm close to. But part of the whole deal where you pay attention to my ramblings is that I feel like I should be as honest as I can be with y'all. Besides, enforced sharing is good for me.
I'm not doing so well at the moment, mental health wise. My crazy has been largely under control for a while now, but my workplace is falling apart and unfortunately taking my emotional stability with it. The company I work for has always played pretty fast and loose with any kind of protocols or procedures, and for a while that was fun. But like a cart held together with hastily applied gaffer tape and string, it's all starting to fall apart while we're hurtling down the highway. It feels like there is a new resignation every second day, and people are either screaming at each other or crying in the office at least twice a week. A consultant from a partner company has moved into the office behind my desk, and enjoys standing at his doorway bellowing cheerfully at the rest of the office. I have to jam headphones on in order to manage any sort of concentration, and when I requested to be move to a quieter desk I was told they would get back to me. You'll be shocked to hear they haven't. Coworkers who send me requests for help that say simply, "My headset is broken. I need to return it" are getting promoted, and I can't even get a better desk. The consultants talk to me like I'm a monkey, and the fuzzy borders of my job description have become totally non existent. Seriously, the other day I was asked to find a printer in Hong Kong on an hour's notice. I'm an Office Manager, and a pretty good one too, but funnily enough, I don't have a great many contacts in the printing sector of Hong Kong. In fact, I don't have any. Well, on the upside, I do now - but it was still a real wake up call for me in terms of exactly how much shit my bosses expect to be able to shovel on me and have me still come up smiling.
It's not the worst job in the world - hell, I've personally had much worse than this. It's not nearly as bad as the job where I quit during my boss's lunch break by leaving a letter in which I called him "the worst employer I had ever endured" on his desk and walking out. (Amusingly, that employer tried to add me on LinkedIn just the other day) But the situation is still getting to me quite badly. I'm finding it really difficult to concentrate on anything serious or complicated for any length of time if it's not work, because everything I'm asked to do at work seems to inevitably involve about half a day of running around trying to figure out what I'm supposed to be doing, for whom, and how. This has meant my posts lately have been largely the happy, fluffy, "look at this pretty thing" variety - I just don't have it in me to be emotional about anything outside my job at the moment. The self control is takes to not flip my desk and walk the fuck out is all the emotional energy I have.
I'm obviously going to have to start job hunting - the situation here is totally untenable. But I loathe job hunting. I truly, honestly, LOATHE it. I loathe it like I loathe Joffrey, and want it avoid it just as much as I would avoid Joffrey at a party ie. I would break my own arm to get out of it. But it has to be done, so that's sucking up the last tiny scraps of effort I have left at the end of a long day of refraining from flipping tables.
Obviously, I'm still blogging. Honestly, I think I would go out of my mind without this now I've really gotten into it. Being able to have control over something, be able to be creative and have people respond positively, being able to help the people I know get awareness out about the awesome stuff they make - these things are all ENORMOUSLY helpful when trying to convince myself to get out of bed in the morning. So I won't be pausing the blog - but it might continue to be a little less serious until I can extricate myself from this snarl of bullshit. I promise to make my pretty posts extra pretty to make it up to you!
Thanks for your patience guys, seriously. Your ongoing support and encouragement is everything to me when everything else is falling apart.
So that's what's up with me. How are things with you?